Funny lines to cheer up your mood

Feeling like you need a good laugh right about now? Then take a few minutes to read through these funny one-liners curated by the Selfvibe review team.

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'” – Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” – Conan O’Brien

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” – Josh Billings

“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart

“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.” – Michael Shermer

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg

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